Dad: “cmon son, say your first words!”
Dad: “close! try again!”
Dad: “So close! One more time!”
Son: “daft punk”
why couldn’t i be born with an older brother who is my best friend and has hot friends that flirt with me and drives me places like mcdonalds when im sad and punches rude boys in the face for me.
My brother once sat on me and farted until I passed out
my brother duct taped me to a treadmill and turned it to the highest setting once
when I was four my brother locked me in a ferret cage for an hour on Christmas Eve
If I call you a loser it means that I’m probably in love with you
Fun Fact: Morgan Freeman does his own stunts.
Fun fact: this was actually a two story window prior to Morgan Freeman sitting on the windowsill. Once the house realized who he was, it retracted itself into the ground to prevent injury to Morgan Freeman
i want a friend with benefits (dental and medical insurance, 401k retirement plan, etc.)
beyonce gonna kill us all
I just ate a whole bag of goldfish omg
THE GOLDFISH CRACKERS NOT ACTUAL LIVE GOLDFISH
i don’t think anyone thought you meant live goldfish